This whole week I have been pretty crazy. Like, my husband told me I was acting like a crazy mom, and I couldn't even get mad at him because it was true. Life at the moment just seems a little bit like a fog. Living in a new place is lonely, family members are going through horrible trials far away and I feel helpless, raising a 4 year old isn't easy, insecurities, job searches, never ending school, etc. It has all just sort of hit me at once and I have been very short tempered and well, crazy. Every single night I vow to be better the next day. "I will not yell at the child. I will be productive. I will be patient." Some days I do better than others, but most nights I still go to bed thinking about the times I irrationally lost my temper or let Trey play the ipad for way too long, and I feel a little bit like a failure.
Today was a little better of a day, not perfect by any means, but it was ok. After I had put Trey to bed, he came into the bathroom where I was washing my face. He came to talk to me about a toy or something, he is good at stalling:) I told him it was bedtime and to please go back to bed. He started walking back to his room and I yelled, "I love you Trey!" I don't know why his reply made such an impact on me tonight, he has said it before, but tonight it made me think. He said, with a smile, "I know, mom."
His reply made me think of two different things. The first one is that I am way too hard on myself. It is good to be aware of my faults and never stop trying to be better, but I also need to realize that I am a person, a mother, and that being impatient and yelling will happen. It doesn't make me a bad mom. The fact that he knows I love him, means I am doing something right. I then thought about all of the times during the day where I show him I love him, and most days those actions are far more than the ones I worry about every night.
The second thought that came to my mind was, would all of the people I love respond the same way? Do I show my family and friends that I love them, or do they sometimes have to wonder? It is so easy to get caught up in yourself and only worry about what is going on in your own life. Easy to feel sorry for yourself. It is important to me that the people I love, know it. Tonight was a good little reminder for me to make sure they do:)
5 days ago